Hi friends. I know I missed a week, and I could offer loads of excuses, but I’ll just say it’s been a crazy week or so.
After a couple of emotional days during the weekend, I have made a decision. I’m letting go, even if it means prying my fingers open one at a time.
You see, since I left Ireland just over a month ago, I have made a conscious effort not to use the word “home” unless talking about Ireland. I would talk about going back to my room, or to the Ranch, or Pinewood Lodge, etc. I spoke of being back in the States or Colorado, but I refused to say “home” of any place this side of the pond.
During this weekend, through some journaling and chatting with a couple of friends, I realized that I can’t continue to live here in that way. I can’t keep looking at this place as a necessary evil since I can’t be “home” during this season. I can’t keep dreaming of the day when I can go back “home” to where I belong.
For this season, this is where I belong, and I have to let it be home now. I want to get and give all God has for me in this season, and even if that’s only another 5 months, I have to be all here to do that. I can’t serve God with my whole heart in this place when the biggest part of my heart was left across an ocean.
Perhaps one day God will open a door for me to go back to the land (and people) I love across the pond. Maybe He’ll even hold the door open for me to stay there again. I don’t know. He can work in hearts and government officials and wherever else He needs to for that to happen.
But for now, I’m here, and it’s time to be all here. It feels like letting go will break my heart, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually the only way to make it whole again.
I don’t know what awaits during the next 5 months here at Snow Mountain Ranch, but I’m certain it’s not a waste. In so many seasons like this, we get out of it what we put into it. God will meet us at the depth we’re willing to go to, and I want all He wants to give me during this season. I want to put my whole heart into it and see what all He has in store.
Ireland friends, letting go doesn’t mean I’m giving up relationships. I’m simply choosing to be fully present and thrive here instead of wasting this season wishing I was there and hoping just to survive here until I can return there.
So, here’s to a new season at “home” here in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.